At a recent kids party, a friend joked & said that in our phase of life, kitchen teas & baby showers will soon be replaced by divorce parties. Wowzers! There were some nervous giggles, but actually, none of us were really shocked though because the divorce rate is sadly still on the rise in South Africa & around the world.
Be honest for a moment; think back to the day you stood in front of the altar; was a divorce on your mind at all? Nope, you got married dreaming of a long & happy lifetime together, right?
This was also the case for Tracy Ziman Jacobs**, a therapeutic counselor who works as a specialised intimacy & relationship coach in her consultancy, Totally Me. “When I got married, I thought I’d never get divorced,” she says. “It came as a bit of a shock & after my divorce, I was cynical about marriage.” But she recognised the hope that we as human beings attach to marriage. “It’s the romance that brings us together & after all, people are still getting married.”
“I want to save marriages,” she explains & adds that it’s vital to look at what is lacking & then go back to the basic needs of the relationship.
So during a recent get-together with Tracy, the excitement & anticipation in the room of bloggers & journo’s was real. We could literally not wait for Tracy to start talking. What would she reveal? Does she have a magic wand? A special love potion maybe to treat unhappy marriages? What is her recipe for a loving relationship in which both partners are happy? Here is what she said:
#1: Getting Over Your Body Issues Will Improve Intimacy
“Our history & attitudes towards our bodies will further impact our relationships with our partners. We must tackle it! No matter the history, it will follow into the relationship with your partner,” says Tracy. “Once you accept yourself & deal with your body issues, your intimacy will improve.”
Tracy encourages women to find, grow & step into intimacy & sexual pleasure like men do. “Read erotica & making the effort to connect with yourself. Knowing your own body, knowing your own pleasure & giving self-pleasure can make a real difference in your marriage.” Her theory is that in order to give your partner true pleasure, you really have to know what feels good for you. “Like chocolate cake,” she says. “You can only describe delicious chocolate cake if you’ve had it yourself.”
“See yourself as a sexual being. You deserve it. You don’t have to be a martyr. Sex is for pleasure & not just for procreation!”
#2: Sex – The Key To A Healthy Marriage
“Without sexual intimacy, you have a partnership or a friendship,” says Tracy. Sure, there is nothing wrong with exercising together, going to the movies together, take care of your household together or going on holiday together – but without sex you & your spouse are mere friends, business partners or exercise buddies. “What sets marriage apart from any other relationship is the sexual intimacy. Sex is the most incredible & beautiful act that God created.”
I was interested to learn from this TED Talk about ‘No Sex Marriage – Masturbation, Loneliness, Cheating and Shame’ by Maureen McGrath that only about 7% of married couples have really hot sex, which is where Tracy comes in.
“Healthy consensual intimacy in a marriage is key. Couples who are intimate more, can problem solve better & are happier. Things are just easier for them,” says Tracy who really believes in the value of couples connecting in a more wholesome way.
“The sexual intimacy is key to a romantic relationship. It is the MOST important thing in a marriage. The sex is what binds us & connects us [in a marriage].”
Tracy stresses that healthy, happy sex is based on consent, honesty, trust.
#3: Have An Affair … With Your Spouse!
“Have an affair with your husband,” says Tracy. “He married you. He asked to be your lover! Look at all those characteristics that drew you to your mate & created that initial chemistry.” She suggests that it is possible to have an affair with your existing partner rather than look outside the marriage for the intimacy & fulfillment you crave.
“Remember when you were young & couldn’t keep your hands off one another. We’ll don’t forget how lucky you both are – he has you, 24/7!” Tracy recommends silicone lubricant (“Let’s move away from the clinical stuff”, she says) – it is silky, doesn’t get sticky & doesn’t need reapplication as often. It is also great for use in the pool, shower or jacuzzi. It is available at Clicks & Dis-Chem,
Tracy is all about wearing sexy underwear too. “But do so for yourself- no matter what your size or shape. If you are wearing something beautiful or sexy all day, you will still feel sexy at night & get into the mood for sex much easier.”
#4: Making A Connection Is Vital (no matter how hard)
As a mother of three, Tracy is the first to admit that it is hard work to make the connection with your husband after a long work day & many years of marriage. Adding children to the mix really makes intimacy in a marriage so much harder. “Having sex at the end of an exhausting day is tough!” says Tracy.
“But remember that happy sex leads to happy marriages!” So, leave your problems, household chores & financial talks outside the bedroom & just indulge each other – three. times. a. week.
#5: Get Help
Finally, consider this: you have to take your car in for a service every year or two to make sure it is in top form. If you don’t do it & your car breaks down, you are probably in big trouble. The same applies to marriage: if you are not giving it a good check-up every year or two, prepare for a major unexpected wobble somewhere in the future.
Give this a quick read find more marriage wisdom.
None of these things come as a real surprise I suppose, BUT it is important that we take note & go through the effort to make things work better in the bedroom department.
Let’s hear it for long, happy marriage with awesome sex!
Thank you for reading
Image of Tracy: Supplied; Featured Image by Shamus O’Reilly via.
**What does an intimacy coach do?
Difference between a coach & a therapist is that therapy can take many many years. Coaching is shorter lived. “Just like a life coach can help you navigate your career or your life into a new direction, so too can an intimacy coach help you & your other half to navigate the intimacy in your relationship into a new, exciting place.”
As a trained social worker Tracy has therapeutic skills & works with couples as well as singles. The therapy is talk therapy/narrator therapy which means you chat through the issues.
Tracy operates under the Intimacy Coach SA Umbrella which has a very strict code of conduct. She teaches sensual massage to couples, but an intimacy coach she will NEVER have sex with their clients, get naked with clients or kiss clients.
Her work is about rekindling romance for a renewed intimate relationship. She is based in Bryanston, Johannesburg.
Contact: http://www.totallymetracy.co.za, email@example.com or 082 458 3643